Life Wish #13: Hunkering down without checking out
Hello, lovely. How are things where you are? Here, they mostly look like the inside of my house. And it’s cute in here! Lookit my Christmas tree!
Though she be but little, she is fierce
Like lots of places, the Rona is hitting Pittsburgh really hard right now, so I’ve been staying home very close to 100% of the time. I’m taking walks, yes, and the odd trip out for provisions, but for the most part I’m within these four walls, pacing and watching TV and dicking around on the phone and trying to make a lil Christmas magic, and … just waiting for it to be over, I guess. Doing the limbo, but not the fun one.
On top of the pandemic, I’ve also got some professional limbo — my company has been sold and we don’t yet know who is moving to the new company and who is being let go, so that’s exciting. We’re supposed to find out later this week, and we’re all doing our best to stay focused and keep going on our various projects, but it ain’t easy.
The stuck-in-limbo way I’m feeling now is a way I grew up feeling quite often, because we moved so much that it was difficult for me to invest in doing anything hard like making friends or learning about where I lived. I knew I’d only be there a few months, so why bother? I became very strategic in what I paid attention to — dazzling my teachers so they’d love me, getting enough to eat — and what I didn’t — bullies, mean girls, how it felt to be alone all the time. And once I knew I was soon to be leaving a particular place? I’d check out completely.
It makes sense that I did this, I think, because I didn’t risk investing in something and not getting it, nor did I risk getting something wonderful and having to walk away. I’m glad that Lil’ Madge figured that out — it saved us a lot of heartache.
As a fully grown adult, though, I can’t help but wonder if maybe there are other ways to deal with being in limbo? I mean, sure, a big part of me wants to nope out of this entire winter, roll up in a little ball in front of my phone, and see y’all in the springtime when we can get vaccines and make out and do karaoke.
But that’s a lot of months to skip over, especially at my moderately advanced age. Plus I’m positive there are TONS of joys to be harvested in those months. So I’m going to be doing my best to not check out completely, because I don’t want to slide past how beautiful my Christmas tree is, or how cute my husband is, or how much fun I can have Facetiming with my people, or how good it feels to give money to folks who need it, or how great books are, or how much I’m going to enjoy all the holiday FEASTING.
So even in the face of all this wtf is the world gonna look like next week feelings, I’m doubling down on Operation Stay Checked In To My GD Life, with all my familiar tools:
Less internet, more literally anything else — as we have discussed on many occasions, my aim is always to shrink down the internet and train my attention elsewhere, on projects, art, taking care of my plants, hanging with my people.
Move that ass — on days I don’t get out for a walk, I’ve been randomly jumping / dancing / doing aerobics in front of the TV at night and it’s pretty stupid and fun and effective
Talk to people I love — every. single. day.
Make pretty things — being creative with my eyes and hands quiets down the talky part of my brain and that is delightful
Enjoy all the art — we’ve been doing a Nicolas Cage film festival at our house the last few weeks and that has been delightful (Face/Off is still my fave tho)
Journal — this is how I talk to myself, and when I skip it for a while, I notice!
Find ways to contribute — right now this mostly means donating money and sharing information.
As 100% of commercials are required by law to remind us now, these are uncertain times. The end of the year is typically when I make big plans for next year, but I’m not exactly sure how that’s gonna work this time … so being grounded in myself has to be plan enough.
What about you? Are you feeling more or less floaty as this pandemic drags on? Do you feel better knowing that the vaccine is coming, or does that make it harder for you to focus on right now?
Most importantly, what are some of the joys you are looking forward to over the next few months? I hope you’ll take a minute to sit and anticipate those.
Yours in hunkering down without tuning out <3
Madge
PS: Linkssssssses
A few weeks ago I attended an event with Sonya Renee Taylor and adrienne maree brown, and it was as incredible as you’d expect. DJ Amorphous played a set at the afterparty, and we all turned on our cameras and danced, and I think it was the first actual party-type feeling I’ve had since March.
If you are feeling weird about your pandemic body, do that sweet body a favor and read this.
Octavia’s Parables’ last episode came out yesterday and I continue to be so grateful for everything I’m learning there. Toshi and adrienne will be hosting an Instagram live on amb’s account tomorrow, Dec 16, at 6 pm, and I wouldn’t dare miss it. They are starting Parable of the Talents in February.
I sigh gently while watching videos of snow falling.
Whenever I’m in New York this time of year, I always go walking in Dyker Heights to look at all the amazing and wackadoodle holiday decorations. This walking tour is a nice pandemmy substitute.
Did you watch Mariah’s holiday special yet and if not what are you doing with your life, babe? It’s on AppleTV+ which is irritating but you can watch the best bit right here — wait for the end where Ariana and Mariah harmonize their whistle tones and we all ascend into heaven. See you there <3